Do you seek to be comfortable in your body, or be just a piece of meat?
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein. Listen to the podcast at How To Sex.
Getting naked with a mixed social group might be a tantalizing item on your bucket list, but the options can be radically different, and lead to disappointment, even betrayal and abandonment. To the person who’s never seriously considered getting naked in a large mixed group, perhaps all the options seem the same. But where some groups, like swingers clubs; gather with the intent of openly sexual interactions; Naturist and nudist clubs specifically ban public sexuality. Even an innocent erection might be frowned upon and the guy might be asked to step apart from the women while he’s turgid.
Some naturists clubs have an unspoken bias against any male arousal. They even tend to blame an erect man for proliferating a ‘rape culture’.
But at the swingers club, the turgid male; especially if heavily endowed; is almost revered. A man or woman whose physique is rather ‘unremarkable’ may end the event feeling disappointed and inferior. It’s perhaps that ‘meat-market’ culture which diverts many people to the non-sexual naturist clubs. A man with a considerably small cock, hidden in a thick pubic bush, has little to fear at a Naturist club.
You might see more women than men at a naturist club, but you’ll definitely see way more men at a swinger club. That’s what leads a modestly-endowed man to give up on the swingers club, unless he’s there with his devoted female life partner.
But let’s hear from a young woman who has created a naturist society for younger adults. Zahra Barnes shares her report on the club that Felicity Jones started.
Naturism Liberated Me
This Is What It's Like To Live Most of Your Life Naked
I firmly believe that if you want to experience euphoria sans drugs, all you have to do is take off your bra after a long workday. And post-shower, you can often find me wrestling my freshly-lotioned legs into a pair of jeans, muttering questions like, "Why can't I just live my life naked?" The thing is, I can. And some people do. Nudists and naturists participate in plenty of normal activities like swimming, camping, and karaoke without clothes. The degrees of nudity vary; some people are naked pretty much all the time, while others reserve it for social events every so often. But to hear them tell it, life is much better in the nude.
While you may have heard of nudists, chances are you're a little less familiar with naturists. Although the terms are often used interchangeably, some people believe certain nuances classify them as two different bodies. "We define nudism as being more about the actual nudity, while naturism has more of a philosophy behind it," Felicity Jones, 27, a resident of Long Island City, N.Y. and co-founder of Young Naturists America, YNA, tells SELF. "It’s about accepting people as they are, and also promoting the values of respecting other people and the environment." Of course, most naturists can't be naked all the time, because laws exist and being naked in jail doesn't sound particularly comfortable. But when they can, they do, and they enjoy the hell out of it.
Let's clear one thing up: Naturism's not about sex.
Sometimes it's easiest to define naturism by describing what it's not. "A lot of people imagine that it’s this amped up sexual environment, like people are having sex in the open or having orgies," says Felicity. "It’s not like that at all. There’s a time and place for everything," she says, while noting that YNA has "very rarely" had to kick people out of events because they're acting inappropriately.
Stateside nudism and naturism have their roots in the American Association for Nude Recreation, which was founded in 1931. With an spotlight on "wholesome nude family recreation," the organization's mission is "to advocate nudity and nude recreation in appropriate settings while educating and informing society of their value and enjoyment," according to their website. Similar institutions cropped up after, like The Naturist Society, which was founded in 1980.
If you're like, wait, record scratch, people are advocating me getting naked with my family? You're not alone. But as someone who grew up in a home where bodies weren't a thing to be hidden; we weren't naturists by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn't taught to fear or shame nudity; I can see why this is worthwhile. So can Felicity, who grew up with a nudity-embracing family in New Jersey, and laughingly calls herself a "third-generation naturist." She co-founded YNA in 2010, and to date, they have around 400 members in the States and internationally. In addition to raising awareness about naturism, they put on events like the nude, public Bodypainting Day this coming July 9th, in New York and Amsterdam.
Misconceptions about the naturist lifestyle can have far-reaching implications. "When I post naked photos of myself online, I have to deal with sexual harassment, cock pics, and people assuming that because I’m naked I must be looking for sex," says Felicity. And while running YNA is her full-time job, her partner and co-founder works in sales. "His boss and coworkers all know [he's a naturist], but his boss wasn’t comfortable with him using his real name because people will Google before doing business with him," she says. Even though naturism's intentions are innocent, it can be hard for people to see it that way.
So, no, naturism isn't a cover for massive, wild orgies. Felicity and her co-founder started it in the hopes of filling a void in modern nudity-focused communities. "We didn’t want it to be just about getting naked, but creating a body-positive environment and combatting body shame," she says.
Lose the clothes, gain self-esteem?
Naturism fits beautifully into a society that's increasingly open to the idea that "perfection" doesn't exist. "Being a naturist forces you to accept who you see in the mirror," Serenity Hart, 26, a naturist and nude model in New York, tells SELF. Growing up as a black girl, she loathed the color of her skin and the texture of her hair. "I wished I could change who I was every day, until I found nude modeling," she says. "It challenged me to look past the things I couldn't change, but also learn how to embrace them. Nudity has changed my life." A big fan of naturism's confidence-boosting effects, Serenity wants to spread the message. Like basically everything else in the 21st century, she's using the Internet to do it.
Serenity offers Naked Skype Sessions for $30 an hour, or a package deal of $120 for five sessions. She stumbled upon the idea when she answered a friend's Skype call while in the nude. "At first she was uncomfortable and embarrassed for me even apologized and covered her eyes," says Serenity. Then, they got to talking about where this deeply ingrained negative reaction to nudity comes from. "I asked her to join me in being naked, and she did. So, Naked Skype was born," Serenity explains. "There is nothing more vulnerable than being completely present with a friend or stranger in the nude. No labels, no facade, no judgments, just openness and embracing your true self." She currently has 10 sessions per week with men and women around the world, usually talking about self-love and how to foster positive body image. "The sense of empowerment makes it all worth it for me," she says.
That emphasis on healthy self-image is a cornerstone of YNA's philosophy. That's largely because Felicity realized how beneficial nudity had been to her growing up when she and her family attended the Rock Lodge Nudist Club in northern New Jersey. "I saw the human body in so many different forms," she says. "I wasn’t so influenced by this culture that says if you don’t have a certain body type, you shouldn’t be taking off your clothes."
This is especially important for women. "A lot of the nudity taboo is about female breasts and genitals. People don’t see those parts on actual average bodies, so they can have a lot of anxiety," says Felicity. Growing up as a naturist, she was able to appreciate how broad the private-part spectrum is. "You see that they come in all shapes and sizes and can be as unique as a person’s face. That alleviates a lot of body shame and anxiety," she says. Given that American teenagers are more frequently asking for their labia to be trimmed, this message is more crucial than ever; especially because in general, women's labia are perfect just the way they are.
Another essential part of naturism is bonding with the environment. "For me, it's about being able to connect with nature in a way that is impossible while bound in material," Sheila, a 31 year old naturist in Northampton, tells SELF. "It's a chance to be wild and forget all the artificial day-to-day things that people fill their lives with." But one of her other favorite parts of naturism is that she can engage in recreational activities with people who hold the same feelings about how restrictive clothing can be. "My first time playing at a pool table without a top was interesting," she says. "I never knew how boobs can get in the way when trying to play!"
Even before talking to these women, I considered myself extremely accepting of nudity. But after digging deeper and discovering the lifestyle's confidence-related benefits, I see that nudity can solve so much more than the fact that pants can feel like leg prisons. I have to admit that when Felicity invited me to participate in the upcoming Bodypainting Day event, the opportunity sparked some temptation. But in the end, I had to say no. Even though my self-esteem is quite solid, I'm not brave enough to show the world everything I've got. Although I'll be keeping the rest of my clothes on, my hat's off to anyone who is.
Now let’s hear from Dr. Nikki Goldstein, about the real culture of many swinger clubs.
The danger of turning your swinging fantasy into a reality
Many fantasize about swinging, but few can make it work. Nikki Goldstein has been in sex clubs and seen what really goes down.
Standing on the side of the road at 1:30am with the rain pelting down, I was shielded from the wet weather but drenched from tears of the woman in my arms.
I was consoling her because her boyfriend had just walked off in a fit of anger after witnessing her erotically massaged by another man at a private sex club.
Ill-prepared couples often jump into this world of swinging, where there are many misconceptions and false fantasies and a high risk of someone ending up in tears. Sometimes hearts, sexual confidence, egos and relationships are broken.
It is still taboo to talk about sex and the subject of swinging or attending sex clubs is probably not one discussed at the office water cooler. It is a world protected by privacy and anonymity, something that is also responsible for those eager to check it out first hand.
However many party goers do not understand what really happens — it’s not all a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.
If we were more open about sex, maybe we would make our decisions from a more informed place rather than a desire to explore unknown taboos for all the wrong reasons.
The problem is, how will you ever know what it feels like to watch your partner with someone else until you see it? The catch is that once you enter this environment, even if it’s just for a look, you might be faced with a reality you are not equipped to handle or ready to deal with. This is why preparation, communication and education are a must.
It’s a great fantasy, but would you really be OK watching your loved one with another person?
So, what actually happens in these clubs?
Most clubs in Australia are exclusive but still open to the general public and are either for couples or single females with some having all singles nights. They are hidden and off the beaten track and are BYO.
When you enter there is often a room with lockers where you can safely store your possessions and clothes and nearby there might be a hot tub or spa where you can meet some couples you want to “mingle” with.
There are also common areas where you can hang out and chat with others and areas such as dance, bondage and “play” rooms where the real action take place. Some have rooms full of mattresses and swings and others couches or beds. Some even look like hotel rooms with showers.
Many of these places from the outside would seem to be just normal apartments, town houses or factories and you might not even know if one was next door to you.
At best they can be great places to explore your sexuality, but it also takes a special type of couple to be able to survive it.
Inside, there can be a lack of seduction and people are often treated like a piece of meat with sexual play being done as easily as you would shake hands. You can see people going through the motions of sex like it’s mechanical. There are of course some scenes which can be sexy and entertaining but I am often disheartened on how sex no longer seems to be special at these clubs and is viewed as just another thing to do on a Saturday night.
I have also found at times a lack of respect for the people that have engaged in “play” together. When the fantasy bubble is bust and the tears come out, sometimes those involved back away very quickly.
I have been encouraged to explore these clubs and have been greeted by all personality types from the experienced swingers who love everyone and sex with everyone to the ego males using this as an excuse to bed more women and the poor partners going along out of fear their partner will cheat behind their back if they don’t agree.
The reality doesn’t often look like this.
There are the exhibitionists and those wanting to have their sexual desirability validated by the multitude of wondering hands and advances. There are also just the people that really want to play and engage in sexy fun.
But there is also a culture that surrounds these clubs that is one of severe alcohol and drug usage. In order to stay up all night having sex with strangers or people you have just met, some often feel their inhibitions need to be lowered chemically.
I personally find sex itself a high and my inhibitions are there as a common sense barrier to protect me, but unfortunately that is not the case for everyone. And with increased alcohol and drug usage comes the decrease chance of protection being used. Condoms, lubricant and wet whips line the walls but at the end of the day, no one can make you use them. (One day I will invent the condom police).
I might seem negative, but while there are many couples for whom this lifestyle has worked and is still working for them, I want to give a warning. These clubs are not for everyone and I only hope people can work that out before they enter the doors and play.
How To Do It Right
But if this is a strong sexual desire or something on your sexual bucket list, here is my checklist for what you need to know before to entering a world that can be exciting, sexual but also relationships suicide.
1. Ask yourself and your partner why you want to do this. Is it a sexual fantasy or relationships rescue? If it’s the first, then proceed, but if this is an attempt to patch things up in the bedroom, you could be putting yourself at a higher risk.
2. Communicate with your partner and discuss this situation A LOT. What would your boundaries be if you did this and what would it look like? You might just want to go for a watch or lightly play with someone else. Just being there doesn’t mean you have to have penetrative sex with other people. It’s also vital to discuss signs and signals for when you are not comfortable
3. Be creative with labels. If you want to explore this world it doesn’t mean you have to call yourself swingers or fit into a category of what you think this looks like. You create your own label (if you even want one) and your own rules.
4. Do your research. It’s good to look online and find out what clubs are in your area and how they work
5. Talk to other people. If you don’t know someone who is in this lifestyle jump on various chat rooms and ask what it is all about and maybe some tips for how other couples make rules and boundaries.
6. Use fantasy to test it out. When you are next having an intimate moment with your partner, talk as though you were in a club and what you might see around you. It’s good to gauge how you feel about the presence of others around you being sexual and wanting to be sexual with you. How would you feel?
7. Just go have a look first. Sometimes go and have a look one night to see how you feel. Make the rule that you will not participate that night no matter how much you want to and discuss what you saw and how you felt when you return home.
8. If at any time you feel uncomfortable leave.
By Zahra Barnes & Dr Nikki Goldstein.
This post is part of the How To Sex podcast. Subscribe in your favorite apps.