A few things that gross me out about porno myths
By LargoKitt. Listen to the Podcast at How To Sex.
What I HATE About Porn
Right up front let me make it clear that I watch erotica, read erotica, and write erotica. Please scope out my stories or poems or even my art and I think you will be pleased. Porn is very ancient stuff. Prehistoric people were making images designed to turn them on, and I'm sure they were sitting around the campfire and telling spicy stories. Motivating people to do the deed and plant the seed has been a major push for millennia. Hindus and Greeks and lots of other folks have gods who celebrate procreation. Heck, the Bible contains the steamy Song of Solomon. And in Genesis, God never said, "Don't fuck." He said, "Be fruitful and multiply."
Don’t Make Me Feel Shitty
Point 1: BDSM. I don't think sex is dirty and I really don't much like stories or vids or auds that portray people who feel like shit for feeling horny. Guys should not have to apologize for hard-ons they get in an honest scenario. Horny is built into the machinery. But hang on, I understand that if you were brought up in a strict religious household where touching yourself or anyone else without a legal contract will cause Old Scratch himself to snatch you by the short hairs and drag you to Hell where he'll fry you till you're a crispy critter; if that's the crap that's in the back of your head when you spot a hottie and the spirit rises; well then I can see how being bad and feeling good might end up in the back of the same pickup truck.
Since religious figures, priests and preachers and missionaries and nuns, are placed artificially off-limits, I can see how getting under that dark robe might be a turn on. But a story about raping a priest or a nun who used to humiliate you in school. That's not erotica. That's a revenge horror story and I hate it being considered a turn-on. And stories about religious folks exploiting or hurting kids is never sexy. It's criminal.
I personally despise stories that feature people despising each other, especially in the bedroom. I might write a story about people playing at humiliating one another. I can imagine people, maybe a woman CEO who is always in charge and demanding of respect, enjoying a fantasy where someone calls her a 'stupid worthless slutty cock-sucking bitch'. Same with a male CEO who likes to be ridden and whipped like a stubborn mule. I can imagine those characters getting relief from constant responsibility. I can see how the sting of a little pain might lift their spirits.
But I switch off when the sex is about the pain. Oh I get how a spanking or being bound and restrained might raise the stakes of sensation. But then the pain is about the sex. And the sex plus pain is for the pleasure of the person being bound or 'punished' not for some nut who gets his or her nut by hurting other people. I understand if your kink swells when you have someone in your power. But for me sex is always a dance with equal partners even if you're playing that it's not.
So. Stories teach. And I HATE stories or videos that teach men that it's okay to treat women like shit. Also stories that teach women that the only way they can tell a man what she wants is to be a cruel slutty dom. Or little girls who need permission from 'daddy.' Or independent women just waiting to be enslaved by a cruel master who "knows just what they want."
Bottom line: whatever your kink, sex should be fun for all members of the party and their members, and fun shouldn't make you feel weird and guilty.
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Point 2 -- Girls just wanna have fun. I HATE porn that is all about the man getting his nut with no concern for the woman getting hers. What's up with that? Are most pornos secretly for men who are into men? Why in Baal's name do we always spend so much time looking at dude's dicks? And balls? And assholes?
Maybe a viewer who isn't built like superman likes to pretend he is the buff cut flexing shiny well-waxed, spray-tanned hunk who is drilling a hottie who is lying about what a turn-on he is. But how about, for once, having a Don Juan or Lothario who is actually a role model for how to light a lady's fire? Because if you have the basic equipment, but really know what to do with it your reputation as a cocksmith may grow, and most often it won't be about your cock.
The guy may be necessary in the video to show what turns her on. But then I want to spend lots of time seeing her get with it. I don't want a guys ass between me and the beautiful stuff any more than it has to. And for pity's sake, porn makers and porn writers, show us what is happening with her, how this lick or that deep plunge is beginning to light her up. Some of you dudes may be all about pretending you are this super-stud and this total hottie just wants to be drilled by you until your jackhammer has busted the pavement. But really, that's not as much fun as taking the time to wind her up and truly get her truly excited.
Hard truth: Jamming your dick is the LAST turn-on a woman usually wants to feel to get her off. Everything else you do: flirting with her, complimenting her, giving her a gift, feeding her, kissing her, gently touching her, rubbing her, fingering and licking, ALL are bigger turn-ons than your dick. She may want your dick, because it feels good, fills her up in a way she likes, connects in a powerful way, shows you want her and only her so damn bad, and are eager to feed her your seed. But her orgasm usually comes from the other strokes.
And for lesbian couples this literally goes double. Two loving gals are not usually eager to pretend to be hard dick-jamming men.
Lesbian Porn
Point 3 - "Lesbian" videos (or stories) are not made for women, even though most women now and again fantasize about having it on with another woman. But how often does anyone actually ask the women to write the script about how two women come to get it on? Note how many writers who identify as lesbians or bi, put at the top of the story, something like, "If you just want to get right to the sex you may be disappointed, because this story has a slow build. That is because, gentlemen, that the lead up in a lesbian story is the lust. So how about more videos in which the women take their time playing with each other? Not hours of loud smacky fake kisses and tongue tangling. No. Real attention to all the erogenous zones: the neck, the ears, lots of exploring tender skin, the talking. Seeing each face come alive. And always, take your time. After all; what's your hurry?
Butt?
Point 4: But, but, butt. Maybe there was a time when the idea and the illustration of a man having penetrative intercourse with another person's anus was a strange and exotic turn-on. Now you have to plow through the butt shots to get to any other kind of sexual activity. Enough already. Or put the butt play into a special search for those you don't lift off except when imagining back door action. Otherwise, go easy. And that means planning your camera angles so we aren't looking at someone's shitter when hot romantic sex is supposed to be happening.
Roughly Sensual?
Point 5 - Rougher and tougher is not hotter. Oh, sure, sometimes jamming, and slappling and hurling her (him) around is at the peak of turn-on. Sometimes the opposite is true. The smooth strokes can really reach her. Gentle that breast. Please that little spot on the side of her neck. Sweetly tickle that clit hood. Do spend lots of time on the breasts and nipples. Stroke and kiss and suck them a dozen ways and do it again. Let us see her face and hear her voice as this happens. Talk to her. It doesn't matter if the vid is shot in Slovenian.
All the senses say something
Point 6 - And speaking of voice, let us hear how she is feeling. I don't mean clichés like "Oh baby, you're so big." I mean those personal sounds that tell you she is beginning to feel it. Let us hear her breath slowly get more raw and excited. Encourage her to say what she needs. That last point is important, and very sexy. Not just, "Oh yeah, right there, right there," but, "Grab my tit hard please." "Squeeze my ass." "Kiss me...I need you to kiss me." And let us hear him as his excitement builds and he begins to groan and roar. For lesbian sex it would be good to really hear the couple work out what feels good. "That's good; roll a little to your left. Yeah, move up that way." "Keep rocking. Oh please don't stop rocking." "Just lick inside right there with the tip of your tongue." "Shut up and fuck me hard."
Sprayed vs filled?
Point 7 - The money shot. Time was, you had to know this was real sex, so the dude had to spill the cream at the end. Now I think that's old hat. The real money shot is seeing her get off for real. Now we know that for most women PIV sex is not the true lift off. It may be great, but it is the satisfier that says your man is happy and has really connected. Your orgasm(s) can come any time along the way and are proof that your lover is really paying attention to your needs. And here's a simple dirty secret: most guys watching and probably a lot of women are going to get off when they see her cum more than when they see him cum. And for me nothing is sexier than both partners getting off while they are deeply connected. No need to 'open out' awkwardly so we see all the messy bits. For the last lap let them find each others' rhythm and go for it.
Stay Unselfish
Coda - Make videos with people who know and respect each other. Even if the love play is rough and tumble, have your "actors" know and care about each other and show they care about each others' bodies. Give them time to get to know each other before they shoot the scene. And we have all seen "the four ways to fuck"-- now missionary, now doggie, now her on top, now on her side with him behind, pull out and jizz in her mouth. Yawn. Let them work out what gets them excited.
My Golden Rules: NEVER feature sex with children. NEVER feature enslaved, exploited, addicted, or drugged participants. NEVER treat women like they are second class citizens. NEVER have the talk or action be racist. NEVER show rough sex without the absolute consent of all participants. NEVER confuse torture for stimulation. NEVER exploit young or broke people to make a porno. There are plenty of adults willing to make sex videos for fun and/or profit.
And if you like erotic stories, videos, audios, pix then use the ones that respect people and avoid the ones that don't.
If the maker breaks those golden rules, don't watch or pay for that shit.
I KNOW I am bumping up against some people's favorite kinks, or even the whole reason they seek out porn. That's them. Maybe that's you. Okay, but the stuff I list above is what ruins it for me. I have a simple stance. Sex is good. Sex is fun. People do best when they don't feel angry, or ashamed, or guilty while doing it. You can play football to maim the other player or humiliate them. For me that ruins the game. Our bodies have wonderful built-in toys. Enjoy them.
The 11 Best Sexual Positions for Satisfying Sex
Tons of sexual positions can bring mutual satisfaction, but do you know which ones both you and your partner can enjoy? Check out these 11 you might want to try the next time you get frisky.
By Ashley Welch
Switch up your sexual routine so you and your partner can rekindle your connection.
There are hundreds of hot sex positions for couples that bring partners’ bodies together for mutual pleasure. Knowing a variety of sex positions can help you be a better and more inventive lover for your partner.
What Are the Best Ways to Have Mutually Satisfying Sex?
That answer is different for every couple. "I would define the best position as the position that works best for the individual or individuals involved,” says Tameca Harris-Jackson, PhD, a certified sex educator, a sex therapist.
"Trying different sex positions actually offers an opportunity to bring different ways of experiencing pleasure into sexual intimacy and a sexual relationship,” Dr. Harris-Jackson says. “You can eat the same meal every day for 20 years, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to get the most joy out of it. You’re just getting the nutrients. But if you try to add a little bit of parsley to that meal, you might taste it in a different way, and it might become a more exciting meal. And that’s what having new positions in a relationship can do.”
There are nonphysical factors to consider, too. Take intimacy, for example. For many people, especially women, intimacy can lead to better sexual experiences because partners are comfortable and trusting enough to ask for what they desire and to try new things.
Many couples are figuring out exactly those benefits, according to research funded by the Kinsey Institute at the University of Indiana.
An online survey of 1,559 adults showed that while people had less frequent sex during the first weeks of the COVID-19 pandemic, they were more willing to try new things, which included sexting, sharing sexual fantasies, and experimenting with new sex positions.
Try New Sexual Positions to Spice Things Up
Stressful periods of time can make it difficult to get aroused and stay aroused, says study coauthor Justin L. Lehmiller, PhD, a research fellow at the Kinsey. “Trying something new can amp up your arousal,” he says. “Trying new things is about self-discovery — what works for your body, your relationship — and that’s going to have lifelong benefits.”
You don’t have to be a gymnast to make these moves pay off. Don’t think “crazy sex positions,” rather “new sex positions” to create more heat between the sheets.
“Not every position is for everyone, and that’s okay,” says Dr. Lehmiller. “But even if the positions described here don’t work for you (maybe you’ve already tried them), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try new and different things. Novelty is one of the things that keeps us interested in coming back for more. When sex is the same every time, we tend to lose interest. New positions are a handy way of adding an element of novelty and newness to our sex lives.”
1: The Missionary Position or Face-to-Face
Potential Benefits or Caveats Intimate but not necessarily mutually satisfying.
Details It's a simple sex position: The woman lies on her back with her legs spread and knees bent slightly. The man lies between his woman’s legs and guides his penis or sex toy into his lover’s vagina or anus, supporting her body weight with his arms or elbows.
The problem with the missionary position is that it’s not as good at delivering pleasure to women. The pelvis of the partner on top can sometimes stimulate the clitoris in this position, and it offers great intimacy through face-to-face contact. But the angle of the penis does not allow for deep penetration or stimulation of the G-spot (felt through a location on the front wall of the vagina and believed by some experts to be a stimulus for orgasm in women). Some women also complain that this sex position doesn't provide enough clitoral stimulation to experience climax.
In a study published in August 2020 in Sexual Medicine, researchers in the Czech Republic surveyed 1,100 heterosexual people about 13 sex positions and revealed that most people still choose the missionary position even though it does not correlate with orgasm for women.
Try Female-Friendly Intercourse Positions
If the most common sex position is not offering women consistent orgasms, then one important thing to do to is “close the orgasm gap,” says Lehmiller, and try a new sex position. In other words, don't limit yourself to the missionary position.
"In most cultures, it is not the most used position," says Beverly Whipple, PhD, RN, a certified sexuality educator and professor emerita at Rutgers University in New Jersey.
If you are looking to spice up your sexual experience and enjoy better sex, try some of these female-friendly positions. Many afford partners the chance for clitoral stimulation, which is what 35.4 percent of women said they need to reach orgasm.
2: Cowgirl
Potential Sensual Benefits or Caveats Deep penetration and sensations vary; clitoral stimulation.
Details In this position, the man lies on his back while the partner being penetrated faces them and kneels, straddling his pelvis. She can then sit up or lie down on her man.
"This is a great position for a woman to control the depth of penetration," Harris-Jackson says. “It’s also a good position to get multiple forms of stimulation. With the woman’s body upright, the nipples can be engaged, which can lead to extra arousal. It is good for having access to the clitoris for stimulation.”
The riding partner can choose whether to bounce up and down, grind, or make hip circles — each delivering a slightly different sensation. “This is also a good position for a person with a penis if they have back issues because it’s almost a resting position for them,” she says.
6 Easy Ways To Spice Up Your Married Sex Life
Making things more interesting in the bedroom doesn't have to be hard. Try these simple tips to create more heat between the sheets.
3: Reverse Cowgirl or Reverse Rider on Top
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Buttocks play, visual stimulations, opportunities for variations; may cause pain.
Details The man lies on his back while the woman sits astride him, facing his feet, and slips his penis into her vagina or anus. The woman can control the rhythm and pace of the thrusts. This position can be especially exciting for the man, who gets to observe the back and buttocks of his lover. Squeezing or grabbing the buttocks can enhance the experience for both. This position can be tricky to master since it requires the woman to lean back or sit up very straight to accommodate the angle of the penis. “If you’re leaning forward, it can be painful and uncomfortable for the man because it could almost feel like his penis is breaking,” says Harris-Jackson, who recommends having the man bend his knees while the woman holds her hands against her lover’s thighs or waist.
Switch It Up “This may be one of those positions that is better in theory than in practice,” says Lorrae Jo Bradbury, a sex and love coach and the founder of SluttyGirlProblems.com and LorraeJo.com. “You might want to use it as a foreplay position, grinding on his penis before you begin intercourse.”
4: Doggy Style or Rear Entry
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Deep penetration and G-spot stimulation but the position can feel impersonal.
Details In this position, the woman kneels on all fours, supporting herself with her hands and knees. The man crouches and enters from behind. This is the best sex position for deep penetration of the vagina. It gives the man freedom to thrust hard and fast, and allows easy access to caress much of the woman’s body. The position also allows for good G-spot stimulation.
Switch It Up Some people complain that this sex position is too impersonal because there's no face-to-face contact. “If you want closer eye contact with this position,” says Bradbury, move your knees closer to your chest and arch your back so your partner can lean into you near your face and you can make eye contact. Bradbury says you can also try this position in front of a mirror so you can see one another’s faces.
A variation of this can be done standing; using a high bed, dining table, or even the kitchen counter; when a woman lays her chest or forearms upon the solid surface. Many women report laying in wait at the kitchen, when their man comes home. Her sticky panties are dropped to her knees. With his coat still on, she simply orders him; “Fuck Me Now! I can’t wait another minute!” He follows her instructions and sates her lusts. After his spunk fills her wanton cunt, she turns to face him, holds his spent cock, and says; “This rod needs to be ready for round two, after dinner, in the bedroom.
5: The Corkscrew
Potential Sensual Benefits or Caveats Intense, deep penetration.
Details Leaning forward, the woman lies on the edge of the bed facing inward, resting on her hip and forearm while her partner enters her from behind. The woman can keep her thighs together for a tighter hold on the penis or penetrating toy. But if the woman opens her legs, the clitoris is exposed for stroking while the man thrusts from behind. “You’re getting that deeper penetration like doggy style, but this may be an easier and more comfortable position,” says Bradbury.
Switch It Up Your partner can easily lean down to make out with you, and the clitoris is within easy reach, according to Bradbury.
6: Side by Side or Sideways
Potential Sensual Benefits or Caveats Deep eye contact and intimacy.
Details Both partners lie on their sides, facing each other. The woman lifts her top leg so the man can enter her. This position is great for morning sex when you might be a little sleepy, says Bradbury.
It offers intimacy because you are close to each other’s face. The partners can kiss and caress each other during lovemaking. The sex position is relaxing, doesn't require a lot of stamina from either person, and offers an opportunity for good clitoral stimulation.
Switch It Up Penetration can be improved if the woman drapes both legs over her man’s waist, Bradbury says. This allows great access to the clitoris, which can be stimulated with a finger or with a toy. “I think this is a great position for everyone,” she says. “It offers the comfort of cuddling, too.”
7: Flat Iron or Lazy Dog
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Tightness on penetration, intense stimulation.
Details The woman lies on her stomach with her legs straight and hips slightly raised. (You can place a pillow under your hips.) The man enters from behind. When lying face down, the woman’s legs will be closer together, which creates a snugger fit for her man’s penis or sex toy. This can lead to a new, more intense sensation. “This is a really good way to increase the experience of tightness for the man,” Harris-Jackson says. “It’s also good for clitoral stimulation because the partner can reach around with his hand or a sex toy to provide dual stimulation. And it’s a good position for G-spot stimulation because you’re angling the body so that the penis is in perfect alignment to stroke against the G-spot.”
8: Face-Off
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats With intense eye contact and clitoral stimulation, this can be an enhanced missionary position.
Details In this position, the man sits on the edge of a bed or in a comfortable seated position while the woman climbs on his lap face-to-face. The woman wraps her legs around his waist and can control the pace of thrusting. This position also allows for direct clitoral stimulation and eye contact, which can increase intimacy.
Bonus Your hands are free so you can touch and caress your lover’s body nearly anywhere you would like. “This is a really impactful position for people who are aroused with eye contact,” says Harris-Jackson. “It’s like missionary, but you are really face-to-face. It also takes some of the work off the woman because the man can move her up and down by placing his hands on her hips.”
Switch It Up The lotus position is very similar to face-off, only the man sits crossed-legged on the bed or chair.
9: Pretzel Dip
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Deep penetration with potential for G-spot stimulation.
Details The woman lies on her right side as the man straddles his lover’s right leg. The man then pulls his woman’s left leg up and around his left side and enters her vagina or anus. This position allows deep penetration while also allowing the intimacy of maintaining eye contact.
Switch it Up “You can also take your left leg and pull it toward your chest to get a deeper angle,” says Bradbury. “And you have amazing access to the clitoris for both partners.” Your hands will be free, which can allow you to run them all over each other’s body. Adds Harris-Jackson: “This position — depending on your angle — can also offer G-spot stimulation, as well.”
10: Coital Alignment Technique (CAT)
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Clitoral stimulation.
Details If you want to rock rather than thrust, roll with CAT. This position is similar to missionary; the main difference is that the man pushes the base of his penis so that it lines up with her clitoris and the two make contact. Once they do, the couple rock back and forth and maintain constant contact. “It’s a little bit of a different way of having sex,” says Lehmiller. “You rock back and forth rather than thrusting. Doing so prolongs the length of intercourse for the man and increases the odds of a woman having an orgasm because she’s having that constant stimulation.”
11: Sixty-Nine (or 69)
Potential Sensual Benefits and Caveats Mutual oral stimulation.
Details This position involves both lovers performing and receiving oral sex at the same time. Typically, one partner lies on their back while the other climbs on top of them and turns around, straddling them with their genitals above their lover’s face. The person on top then leans forward and begins performing oral sex on their lover while simultaneously receiving. This position can require some coordination and balance, particularly for the partner on top. One way to make 69 a bit more comfortable for both lovers is to lie on their sides during the act.
Keep Switching It Up: Sexual Variety Is Exciting
In our day-to-day lives, we tend to be very goal-oriented, says Harris-Jackson. “We wake up in the morning and it’s go, go, go to get out the door. We go, go, go to eat our food, to go to work. It creates a lot of stress and tension in our bodies and in our minds. Many patients that I see feel that sex becomes one more thing that they have to go, go, go and do. But sexual partners should be really with one another and feel pleasure together. Switching up positions can be very helpful to rekindle that connection. So it can be helpful and fun to try something new.”
By LargoKitt & Ashley Welch for Literotica and EverydayHealth.