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Bondage sex is often associated with Sado Masochism. But that vaste generalization does a great disservice to a wide range of sexual proclivities. Each part of this grouping ought to be understood on it’s own attributes.
Bondage is simply adding real or perceived restrictions in a sexual encounter. It’s the fantasy of lost control over a situation which thrills many lovers. It often incorporates a fantasy scenario and some role-playing.
If you’ve ever fantasized about getting kinky in the bedroom, you’re not alone. The runaway success of E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy of books; the three top-selling print and e-books in the United States between 2010 and 2019; not to mention the sales of the movies they generated, prove that interest in BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) is anything but rare.
BDSM can involve role playing, sensory manipulation, and more. Here are a few popular ways enthusiasts like to get kinky!
Prevalence: How Many People Practice BDSM?
Further proof: Nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually, while slightly more women and less men are aroused by the idea of being dominated, according to a 2016 study. The same study also found that almost 47 percent adults would like to participate in at least one nontraditional type of sexual activity, and 34 percent said that they’d done so at least once in the past. No wonder if you search the phrase “BDSM” on Google it will return more than 500 million results. By comparison, the phrase “missionary sex” returns about 163 million results.
The History of BDSM: Not So New
Explore a little more and you’ll also discover that BDSM is nothing new. Among BDSM’s historical high points:
Art and texts from ancient Greece and Rome show physical pain being used as an erotic stimulus, per the book An Illustrated History of the Rod, by William M. Cooper, first published in 1868.
The Kama Sutra, the revered Sanskrit text on sexuality written in India about 2,000 years ago, describes six appropriate places to strike a person with passion and four ways to do it. It also has chapters titled “Scratching,” “Biting,” and “Reversing Roles.”
The Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat who lived from 1740 to 1814, wrote a variety of erotic novels and short stories involving being beaten and beating others. Eventually the author’s name gave rise to the term “sadism.”
Similarly, the term “masochism” is derived from the name of Austrian nobleman and author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, whose 1870 novel Venus in Furs describes a dominant-submissive relationship.
Back in 1953, a Kinsey Institute study found that 55 percent of women and 50 percent of men were aroused by being bitten.
And even pre-Fifty Shades of Grey, 36 percent of U.S. adults reported having had sex using masks, blindfolds, or other forms of bondage.
Is BDSM Still Considered a Medical Disorder?
At one time, mental health experts were dubious about whether those who practiced BDSM were mentally healthy. But the American Psychiatric Association took a huge step in destigmatizing kink with the release of the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) in 2013. For the first time ever, the guidelines drew a clear distinction between consenting adults who engage in sexual behaviors outside the mainstream, such as BDSM, and those who force others to engage in those behaviors without consent.
That means simply experimenting with, say, whips and chains, is no longer a sign of mental illness that by itself “justifies or requires clinical intervention,” the manual states.
There are true sexual disorders that are similar in theme. Sexual sadism disorder, for instance, involves inflicting physical or psychological pain on another for the purpose of sexual pleasure. And sexual masochism disorder involves deliberately involving yourself in a situation in which you are humiliated, beaten, or abused for the purpose of sexual excitement.
The difference between these two disorders and BDSM is consent, in the case of sexual sadism disorder, and that BDSM does not go to the degree of causing significant distress or impairing function, in the case of sexual masochism disorder.
The Psychology of BDSM: Why Are People Drawn to It?
Most of the available evidence shows that the majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect except that they find traditional (“vanilla”) intimacy unfulfilling and want something more intense.
“People always ask if it’s normal to be interested in BDSM,” says Michal Daveed, a spokeswoman for The Eulenspiegal Society, a nonprofit organization in New York City that describes itself as the “oldest and largest BDSM support and education group” in the country.
“Normal is a funny word to describe a really widespread and diverse humanity. If your definition of normal is how many people are doing this, it’s way more people than you may think,” says Daveed. “And if your definition of normal is ordinary, the BDSM world is full of ordinary people whose sexuality happens to be hardwired a particular way.”
One landmark 2008 study backs Daveed up. It found that people who engaged in BDSM were more likely to have experienced oral sex or anal sex, to have had more than one partner in the previous year, to have had sex with someone other than their regular partner, and to have taken part in phone sex, visited an internet sex site, viewed an X-rated film or video, used a sex toy, had group sex, or taken part in manual stimulation of the anus, fisting, or rimming.
However, they were no more likely to have been coerced into sexual activity and were not significantly more likely to be unhappy or anxious. Indeed, men who had engaged in BDSM scored significantly lower on a scale of psychological distress than other men.
“Our findings support the idea that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture attractive to a minority, and for most participants not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with ‘normal’ sex,” the researchers concluded.
“BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality,” says Filippo M. Nimbi, PhD, a researcher at the Institute of Clinical Sexology and in the department of dynamic and clinical psychology at Sapienza University, both in Rome.
Dr. Nimbi is also the coauthor of a study that compared 266 consensual BDSM practitioners to 200 control subjects who described their sex lives as traditional. (10) Echoing the earlier study, the researchers found that the BDSM group tended to report fewer sexual problems than the general population.
“People engaging in BDSM are usually people who have thought a lot about their sexuality,” Nimbi said. “They have explored and faced their sexual boundaries. Basically, they know what they like, and they do it. This has a positive outcome on their sexual experiences and on the overall quality of their lives.”
Many people think it’s a pathology or a perversion to, say, want to be spanked hard and to be happy about that, he added. “We each develop our erotic fantasies from our different tastes, experiences, and curiosities, beginning in childhood and lasting until the end of our lives. Everyone is different. We can develop the same fantasy from different stories, and we can develop different fantasies from the same stories. Some people find in BDSM a way to be free, to get wild, to let go, and to play a different role from their everyday lives. And if they get satisfaction and respect the ‘rules,’ why should it be abnormal?”
The Physicality of BDSM: Why Does It Feel Good?
Patti Britton, PhD, MPH, cofounder of the credentialing and training institute Sex Coach U and a past president of the American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), as well as other experts are quick to point out that seeking the pain-pleasure connection is not unique to the BDSM community. Think of athletes who push past physical comfort to experience a “runner’s high,” or people who chase thrills by engaging in dangerous extreme sports, like skydiving. Think of the bliss that aficionados of super spicy food experience when biting into a pepper sets their mouth on fire, or the rush of fear that riding a roller-coaster or watching a horror movie can bring.
“The same chemical cocktail of endorphins, dopamine, and other hormones that make those experiences pleasurable to some makes BDSM actually quite wonderful to others,” says clinical sexologist Francesca Gentille, coeditor of The Marriage of Sex & Spirit, and host of the podcast Sex: Tantra & Kama Sutra. “I like to compare sexual preferences to taste in food. Most of us don’t like bland food, but we have a range of how spicy we like it.”
Common Questions & Answers
What does BDSM stand for?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.
Why do people like BDSM?
In the past, it was thought that BDSM might be a sign of unhealthy sexuality. But increasingly, even medical professionals say that BDSM is a healthy expression of sexuality. Erotic fantasies that fall into this category develop from different tastes, experiences, and curiosities that develop in childhood.
What is a rigger in BDSM?
A rigger is someone who, in engaging in BDSM play, ties rope for bondage purposes.
What is a brat in BDSM?
A brat, in the context of BDSM, is someone who misbehaves toward the dominant party in the BDSM scene being played out.
Is BDSM illegal?
BDSM occupies murky territory, legally. The foundation of BDSM “play” is consent between the parties engaging in it. However, you cannot legally consent to be tortured or assaulted. And what seems to be “play” to some may appear differently to others.
Roleplaying and BDSM: The Variety Is Endless
Doctor and patient. Teacher and student. Roleplaying is a common aspect of BDSM “play.” It may involve two or more people who “act out” a particular scene or fantasy. BDSM roleplay can happen in person or virtually. It almost always involves at least one individual being dominant and another being submissive. It may be simple, or it may be complicated enough to require a script. And actual sex is not the focus.
“The core of BDSM is the psychological part,” explains Mistress Damiana Chi, a dominatrix in Los Angeles who holds a PhD in clinical psychology. (She asked that her real name not be used, citing privacy concerns.) “For BDSM to be real, it has to involve an exchange of power with a lot of trust and respect. The couple has to decide which role they want to play, the dominant one or the submissive, and it’s that dynamic that creates erotic intensity.”
Common themes for BDSM role play include:
Kidnapper and victim
Law enforcement and prisoner
Owner and pet
Royal and commoner
Most Recent
While chains and whips might excite Rihanna (as she proclaims in the hit song ”S&M”), it’s wrong to think all manifestations of BDSM involve inflicting extreme pain. The range of erotic expressions that fit under its umbrella is huge.
At one end there’s “light” BDSM, which includes activities like tickling, using a blindfold, tying your partner to the bedposts with silk scarves, slapping their rear playfully, and making verbal demands, such as “Call me Sir” or “Call me Madam.” No pain. No force. Just playful and pleasurable.
At the other end of the spectrum is “hardcore” BDSM. This can include whipping, caning, binding with ropes, dripping hot wax directly on the skin, and hundreds more forms of erotic expression, many of which you might find impossible to imagine.
“There are universal themes, but I’ve seen things that have shocked even me, not because they were unsafe, but because they were so infinitely creative,” says Dr. Britton.
Asking to have clothespins attached to your tongue. Being mummified with plastic wrap so that you’re completely immobilized. Living as a submissive wearing a leather collar while serving a dominant partner. Yes, there are people who choose these activities — the key word being “choose.”
“There are two essential things to know about BDSM,” explains Britton. “It is always voluntary, and the reason people do it is because it feels good. There’s something about transcending pain that can be almost a spiritual experience,” she adds. “It releases the self from the body. I’ve had people tell me, ‘the more my body is restrained, the freer I feel.’”
Common forms of BDSM play include:
Bondage (restraint or restriction)
Wax (dripping hot wax on the skin)
Impact (spanking, slapping, caning, flogging)
Sensation (using tools such as feathers, a paddle, burlap, on the skin)
The Importance of Communication, Consent, and Using Safe Words
How can having someone strike you, perhaps to the point that you cry out in pain, not be abuse? “Consent is the magic word,” says Nimbi.
“While mainstream sexual encounters also stress the importance of consent, consent often takes the form of an unstated, implicit assumption based on perceived behavioral displays of interest or willingness,” note University of British Columbia psychologists Cara Dunkley, PhD, and Lori A. Brotto, PhD in a 2019 paper. “The BDSM community takes consent further, demanding explicit rather than tacit consent.”
In a dominant-submissive “scene,” for instance one in which one person is going to be flogged, it’s standard practice for the “dom” or “top” and the “sub” or “bottom” to first negotiate at length and then contract, often in writing, what the sub is definitely willing to do, what he or she might be willing to do, and what is absolutely off-limits before they begin to “play.”
They also must agree on a safe word or gesture that the sub can use at any time to stop the action. That means that if there’s any potential for pain, both players are aware of the rules and of their own limits. Ironically, it also means that the sub actually has more control of the scene than the dom, since he or she defines the parameters and has the power to stop the action at any time, for any reason.
“There is no community on the planet more committed to the concept of consent than the BDSM community,” says Valerie White, a lawyer and founder of the Sexual Freedom Legal Defense and Education Fund, a nonprofit advocacy and education group based in Sharon, Massachusetts. “Of course, you can come across a rogue, just as you can in any group. But if anyone crosses the line, they are cast out so quickly it would make your head spin to see it.”
Common safe words include:
Red
Pineapple
Banana
Peach
Safe and Risk-Aware Kink: How to Try It Safely at Home
If you’re planning on trying kink at home, experts advise going to a class, reading a book, listening to a podcast, or checking out informational videos on YouTube before trying anything other than light BDSM at home to see and learn how to engage in this type of erotic expression safely.
“You have to learn this,” says Britton. “You don’t just go to Home Depot and buy a rope and tie your husband up. BDSM play is not random. It’s not built on spontaneity. It’s built on anticipating a set of behaviors that are negotiated beforehand.”
“People playing at home without training is dangerous,” says Gentille, who spent four years as a collared submissive at home with a dominant partner in a relationship. “You can’t, for example, just leave a person alone in a room, tied up and gagged, and expect it to go well.”
Social Etiquette and BDSM
It might sound contrary, but there’s most definitely a code of behavior with regard to practicing BDSM properly. If you’re thinking about trying BDSM at a social gathering, often dubbed a “play party,” which can be an informal gathering hosted by someone or an organized event, you’ll need to do some prepping beforehand about the social mores. Can you touch someone else’s toys? How do you handle consent? Can everybody play? Learning the ropes before you go will ensure that you have a good time.
The BDSM Terms You Need to Know
BDSM also has its own language to describe who takes part, how they take part, and how things work. Among common terms you’ll encounter in this world are:
Bondage and discipline
Dominance and submission
Male dominance
Male submission
Female dominance
Female submission
Sadism and masochism
BDSM and the Law: What You Need to Know
The legality behind BDSM is murky. Legally, for instance, you cannot consent to be tortured or assaulted. And, to the outside eye, some BDSM activities can appear to fall into that category. So, for example, if police raid a BDSM event and see activities that they object to, they can charge the participants even if there is consent. While it’s unlikely you’ll encounter a problem, especially in the confines of your own home, it’s good to know the lay of the land, legally. And there are special cases — like custody battles — where people need to know how this kind of information can be used in court.
BDSM: Beyond Taboo
Of course, while BDSM is not for everyone (Britton herself identifies more as vanilla than kink), there is more and more recognition that it is 100 percent normal to fantasize about it. What’s more, given the reclassification of BDSM and related behaviors in the DSM-V and the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, it’s easier than ever to explore those fantasies in real life without shame, if one desires to.
One sure sign that kink is becoming less and less taboo: The Harvard College Munch, which brings together students with interested in kinky sex, is now recognized by the university as an official campus group. (12)
“It’s very out in the culture right now, but it’s not fully out of the shadows yet,” says Gentille. “People are still embarrassed to talk about sex. What they discover when they dive a little deeper into it is that in BDSM you actually get to talk about what you like, what you’re curious about, and what is a definite ’No.’ It’s clear, overt, and collaborative and that can feel delightful. And if you like it, if you have control over what happens, it’s all good fun.”
Speaking BDSM: A Glossary of Terms Used to Describe BDSM
Curious about BDSM? Here’s the lowdown on the vocabulary you’ll need to ask questions and learn about it.
BDSM enthusiasts have created an entire vocabulary around their lifestyle.
If you’re interested in exploring BDSM (bondage/discipline, domination/submission, sadism/masochism), you’ll need to understand BDSM terms. The glossary below will make it easier for you to parse the technical terminology as well as the not-so-scientific vernacular — aka, slang — you’ll need to speak BDSM.
Aftercare
When a scene is over, aftercare is the emotional and physical care that’s administered, usually by a top. Proper aftercare may be used to prevent a drop.
Age Play
When participants take on an older or younger role.
BDSM
An umbrella term used to describe a sexual practice that involves the use of physical control, psychological power, or pain. It typically includes the components of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, or sadism or masochism.
Bondage and Discipline
A type of BDSM practice that incorporates bondage (tying, binding, or restraining someone) and discipline (punishing a submissive partner when they break a rule).
Bottom
The person in a scene who follows the orders and receives the sensations.
Breath Play
A form of play when one participant controls their breath. This may include choking or holding the breath.
Consent
Agreeing to certain acts in a BDSM scene or relationship. Practitioners believe that consent is what separates BDSM from assault.
Contract
An arrangement that outlines the rules and structures of a BDSM relationship. It may be written or oral. Dom
A dominant role, often referring to a male.
Domina
A dominant who is female and embraces a feminine gender role — sometimes called a Domme or Dominatrix.
Dominance and Submission (D/S)
A term for the behaviors or rituals that a submissive person follows in a BDSM relationship. In D/S, one person usually has power over another.
Dominant
A person who has the authority in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Drop
The physical or emotional exhaustion that takes place after a scene. Both tops and bottoms may experience a drop. Crying, feeling sad, and physical shaking are all signs of a drop.
Dungeon
A location where BDSM play takes place (usually in a person’s home or at a club).
Dungeon Monitor
A person (or group of people) who supervises BDSM activities at a club or play party to make sure the acts are safe and consensual.
Edge Play
BDSM acts that are considered more intense or dangerous, such as breath play.
Female Dominance
When a woman takes the dominant role in a BDSM relationship or scene.
Female Submission
BDSM activity in which a woman submits to a sexual partner.
Fetish
An obsession with a specific experience, body part, or object.
Fetish Wear
The clothing worn by those who practice BDSM (usually leather attire or other role-playing costumes).
Gender Play
A type of BDSM play when an individual in a scene takes on the role of the opposite gender.
Hard Limits
An activity that a person in a BDSM relationship absolutely won’t do. A hard limit can’t be negotiated.
Impact Play
A type of BDSM play that involves striking the body. This can be done with a hand, paddle, cane, whip, flogger, or other instrument.
Kink
Nonconventional sexual practices. BDSM is often referred to as kink.
Master
The person who has control over a slave in a consensual master-slave relationship.
Male Dominance
BDSM acts when the dominant partner is a man, also called maledom.
Male Submission
BDSM activities when the submissive participant is a man, also referred to as malesub.
Masochist
An individual who likes or becomes sexually gratified by their own pain or humiliation.
Munch
An informal meeting or party, often at a public place, where people interested in BDSM can mingle.
Play
A term used to describe the BDSM acts themselves. Play Party
A social gathering where guests can engage in BDSM activity.
Pro Domme
A woman who is a professional top and dominant.
Protocol
A rule or rules that people practicing BDSM agree to follow.
Role Play
When one or more people take on a different identity during a scene. Examples may include teacher-student, doctor-patient, or boss-employee role plays.
Sadism and Masochism
This subset of BDSM involves inflicting pain or humiliation for the purpose of pleasure or sexual gratification.
Sadist
A person who enjoys or becomes sexually aroused by inflicting pain or humiliation on someone else.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)
This phrase describes what the BDSM community considers ethical behavior. Kink enthusiasts stress that activities must always be safe, sane, and consensual.
Safe Word
An agreed upon word or phrase that a bottom, sub, or slave can say during a scene to stop the activity or session immediately. Some common safe words are “red,” “red light,” “pineapple,” and “banana.”
Soft Limits
A limit that’s more flexible than a hard limit. It might be an act that a person is hesitant to perform but may be willing to try.
Scene
The actual BDSM activities or encounters that take place.
Slave
A person who gives up total control of one or more parts of their life to a master.
Submissive
Someone who submits to a dominant person in a BDSM relationship or scene. Submissive can be shortened to sub.
Switch
A person who sometimes plays a top and sometimes plays a bottom in a BDSM scene.
Top
The person who performs the BDSM acts in a scene.
Topping From the Bottom
When a bottom tries to control a scene even though it was agreed that the top would be in charge.
24-7s
When individuals in a relationship engage in some form of BDSM at all times (24 hours a day, 7 days a week).
Vanilla Sex
Used by people in the BDSM community to label sexual behavior that doesn’t involve kink.
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By Mark Stibich, PhD. Listen to the ► podcast at How To Sex. Many people in their 70s and 80s are not only sexually active, but satisfied with their senior sex lives.
University of Michigan Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation. Let’s talk about sex. Though the frequency or ability to perform sexually may decline with age due to physiological changes, these don't necessarily affect how a person experiences or enjoys sex.
Aging-related problems like erectile dysfunction (ED), vaginal dryness, or urinary incontinence can affect sex. But their impact can also be minimized by using medication, managing chronic conditions, seeking individual or couples counseling, and changing sexual practices.
This article explores the sex lives of adults 65 and over and the problems that can interfere with sex as the body ages. It also discusses the various treatment options and ways to maintain—or even jumpstart—your senior sex life.
Studies suggest that men are almost twice as likely as women to still have sex or masturbate in their later years. A British study found close to 60% of men ages 70 to 80 and 31% of men ages 80 to 90 are still sexually active. In women, those figures drop to 34% and 14%, respectively.
This lower rate of sexual activity in older women may be due to a lack of opportunity rather than a lack of desire. Research shows that older women are less likely to have partners (due in large part to the fact that they often outlive their partners). This is sometimes referred to as "the partner gap."
It is common for men to experience sexual problems after age 40. Reasons include a natural decline in testosterone levels, heart disease, and prostate problems. The inability to achieve or sustain an erection or reach orgasm or ejaculation are common concerns.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction (ED), formerly known as impotence, is the inability to achieve or maintain an erection firm enough for sexual penetration and long enough to achieve orgasm.
While ED is more common in older men, aging itself does not cause the problem. ED is related to conditions, sometimes several at once, that directly or indirectly interfere with erections.
Risk factors include high blood pressure, diabetic nerve damage, smoking, obesity, Peyronie's disease, depression, and even certain medications. An accurate diagnosis is needed to ensure the right treatment.
ED drugs like Viagra (sildenafil), Levitra (vardenafil), and Cialis (tadalafil) are often the first-line treatments for ED. Lifestyle changes and counseling can also help. For some men, hormonal therapy, penis pumps, and penile implants may be recommended.
Benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) is a non-cancerous enlarged prostate and one of the most common health problems in older males.6 BPH can cause symptoms like difficulty urinating, frequent urination, or waking up in the middle of the night to urinate (nocturia).
On top of this, BPH can cause sexual problems like low libido (low sex drive) and delayed ejaculation (difficulty reaching orgasm).
Among the treatment options, testosterone therapy may help restore libido. There are also certain drugs used off-label that may help with delayed ejaculation, including cabergoline (originally marketed as Dostinex) and Wellbutrin (bupropion).7
Because some BPH medications can also cause sexual dysfunction, a change in the dose may help resolve these concerns.
Lifestyle Changes to Treat Erectile Dysfunction
Sexual Health Problems in Older Women
More than a third of older women experience sexual problems. These are typically due to menopause, when estrogen levels steeply decline. Hormonal changes can lessen sexual desire and make it harder to become aroused.
Sexual organs also change as a person gets older. A woman's vagina will shorten and narrow. The vaginal walls become thinner and less flexible, tearing more easily. Vaginal lubrication decreases, making vaginal intercourse more painful.
Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder
Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is diagnosed when an absence of sexual fantasies, thoughts, and desires causes personal distress. It is a problem that is common among many older women.
A medication known as Addyi (flibanserin) is used to treat HSDD in women. It is currently only approved for premenopausal women, but research shows that it can also improve libido in older women as well.
Vaginal dryness is uncomfortable and can make sex painful. Over-the-counter (OTC) remedies that can help relieve irritation and itching from vaginal dryness include lubricants such as K-Y Jelly or vaginal suppositories like Replens.
If OTC remedies don’t help, your doctor may prescribe estrogen cream as well as estrogen-containing vaginal rings and vaginal suppositories.
There are also plant-based products, like black cohosh, that have estrogen-like effects. These should be used with caution in women who have had or are at risk of breast cancer.
Pain With Sex
Painful intercourse is more likely in older women as vaginal tissue tends to thin and tear easily after menopause. Standard treatments for vaginal dryness can often help ease pain during sex.
If that is not effective, prescription drugs like Osphena (ospemifene) and Intrarosa (prasterone) can treat thinning vaginal tissues and help relieve moderate to severe vaginal dryness.
The pelvic floor muscles and tissues hold the bladder, uterus, cervix, vagina, and rectum in place. Pelvic organ prolapse (POP) occurs when the pelvic floor weakens, causing the pelvic organs to drop and bulge (prolapse) in the vagina. This can cause pelvic pain and pressure, pain with sex, and urinary incontinence.
POP is often treated with pelvic floor physical therapy to strengthen the supporting muscles. In some cases, surgery may be needed.
Chronic medical conditions become more common as a person ages. Many of these can interfere with an older person's sex life.
Arthritis and Chronic Pain
Arthritis and other chronic pain conditions are common among older adults and can make sex very difficult. Depending on the cause, doctors may recommend physical therapy to strengthen muscles and improve flexibility.
Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), both over-the-counter and prescription, can be taken before sex to help ease the pain. Opioid drugs, while effective as a pain reliever, can cause a drop in testosterone and contribute to ED.
If the pain only occurs in certain sexual positions, let your partner know and try different positions. Bolstering your bodies with pillows and cushions can also help.
In the United States, almost one-third of adults over 65 have diabetes. Approximately half of these are undiagnosed.
Diabetes can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. This can be due to circulation problems, medication side effects, or nerve damage. Problems include:
The best way to reduce the impact of diabetes is to gain control of your blood sugar. Speak with your doctor if you have difficulty managing your blood sugar, and be sure to mention any sexual health problems you may be having. It's important for your doctor to know.
Heart Disease
Older age is the greatest risk factor for heart disease. Heart disease causes problems as arteries start to narrow and harden (referred to as atherosclerosis). This reduces blood flow throughout the body, including the pelvis and genitals, resulting in sexual dysfunction in both men and women.
Heart disease is one of the leading causes of erectile dysfunction in men. It can also cause women to have difficulty achieving orgasm due to the decreased blood flow to the genitals.
There is no one way to resolve these issues, but there is evidence that statin drugs used to reduce the risk of heart disease can improve erectile dysfunction in some men.19 Some studies suggest that similar approaches may improve sexual function in women with heart disease.
People with heart disease may also be nervous about sex due to fear of a heart attack. While sexual activity is generally safe, talk to your health provider if you are concerned.
Today, more than 40% of adults over 65 meet the definition of obesity. Research shows that women who are obese are more likely to experience sexual dysfunction than non-obese women. In addition, obesity increases the odds of erectile dysfunction in men.
These issues may be directly related to higher rates of diabetes among people who are obese as well as reduced blood circulation due to atherosclerosis.
Weight loss, achieved with a healthy diet and routine exercise, is considered the best strategy to overcome obesity. It may also improve a person's self-image and sense of well-being while making sex easier to navigate.
Urinary Incontinence
Urinary incontinence is the loss of bladder control. This becomes more common with age, especially in women.
Incontinence can be embarrassing and make sex awkward. Women who experience stress incontinence may be afraid to orgasm. Extra pressure on the abdomen during intercourse can also cause urinary leakage.
If you have incontinence, empty your bladder before sex. Changing sexual positions can help prevent urinary leakage by avoiding the compression of the bladder. Pelvic floor exercises can also help strengthen the muscles that aid with urine control.
Medications
Some medications used in older adults can cause sexual dysfunction in both men and women. These include:
Antidepressants
Antihistamines
Chemotherapy
Diuretics ("water pills")
High blood pressure medicines
Opioid painkillers
If you are having sexual difficulties, let your doctor know and advise them of any drugs you are taking, including over-the-counter, prescription, or recreational.
Lifestyle and Mental Health
Lifestyle and mental health issues can also contribute to sexual problems in older adults. These issues can be just as difficult—and sometimes even more difficult—to overcome than physical ones. If you are faced with any of these issues, there are things you can do to turn them around.
Alcohol
For some people, drinking a glass of wine helps them relax and get in the mood. However, too much alcohol can end up impairing sexual function. According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, alcohol is the most-used drug among older adults, with 65% of people 65 and older reporting high-risk drinking.
Alcohol can impair a man's ability to get an erection, cause premature ejaculation, or delay orgasm. In women, too much alcohol can make it difficult to climax.
Reducing the amount you drink can help, but if you are unable to control your alcohol use, speak to your doctor about treatment options.
Depression
In the United States, between 5% and 10% of adults over 65 are estimated to be depressed. This can lead to many health concerns, including sexual dysfunction.
In people with depression, neurotransmitters—chemical messengers that send signals between the brain and body—are out of balance. This can affect sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm. Ironically, medications used to treat depression can have the same effects.
While the benefits of antidepressants often outweigh the risks, therapy and counseling may offer a reasonable option for those with mild depression.
Stress
Stress can be a contributing factor to sexual dysfunction. Financial worries and health concerns are just some of the common stresses affecting older adults.
To relieve stress (and the effect it has on your sex life), consider stress management techniques like mindful breathing, tai chi, yoga, and meditation. Research shows practicing mindfulness and meditation can ease the effects of stress and improve overall feelings of well-being. This alone may help improve sex.
In addition, seek professional assistance from financial advisors, health advocates, and social workers to help better deal with the other stresses in your life.
Relationship Issues
Lack of sexual intimacy is often related to relationship problems. If you are and your partner are not connecting emotionally, it can lessen your desire to be intimate.
On the flip side, studies show that older couples who engage in sexual intercourse with their partner are likely to share a closer relationship. Moreover, closeness to one’s partner has been shown to increase overall well-being.
While this issue is not unique to older couples, many people find talking to a marriage counselor can help them work through relationship issues and rekindle sexual feelings and attraction.
Self-Image
With age can come weight gain and other body changes that may affect one's sense of physical attractiveness. Self-consciousness can spill over into the bedroom and affect a person's confidence during sex.
A 2019 study among older women found that those who were self-conscious about their bodies reported less sexual satisfaction. By contrast, those who had greater self-acceptance of their bodies irrespective of weight or aging-related changes had a more satisfying sex life.
Self-acceptance is ultimately the key. Working with a therapist, either alone or as a couple, can help you discuss your feelings openly and find a way to embrace a more positive self-image.
How to Maintain a Healthy Sex Life
The benefits of maintaining your sex life as you age are physical and emotional. Being sexually active is associated with a lower risk of medical conditions and a longer life. It's also associated with a greater sense of happiness and overall well-being.
If your sex life has become stagnant and you'd like to rev it back up, here are a few things you can do.
Communicate
Good sex begins with good communication. Couples who have been together a long time often think they know what the other is thinking. But no one is a mind reader.
Talk to your partner about any concerns you have. You may feel as though your mate is no longer attracted to you because sex has become infrequent, when in fact they are experiencing a decline in sexual interest.
In addition, as sex organs change with age, what felt good before may no longer feel good or may even be painful. Be open with your partner about these changes.
Communicating about sex can be challenging at any age, however. If you and your partner struggle to talk about sex, consider seeing a sex therapist.
Redefine Sex
Sex, as you get older, may need to change. But different can still be good, if not better. With an empty nest and possibly retirement, there’s more time and privacy to explore.
Research shows older adults have a broader definition of sexual activity than younger adults. In other words, they better understand that there is more to sex than just intercourse. Foreplay on its own can be quite satisfying.
Be creative and willing to try new things.
Rethink Intimacy
Sex isn't just physical. It’s an emotional expression of intimacy. As you grow older, sexual intimacy changes. What this means to you and your partner may need to be redefined.
Emotional intimacy can be expressed through non-sexual physical touch. Examples of non-sexual physical touch include:
Back rubs
Cuddling
Holding hands
Hugging
Placing your hand on your partner's shoulder or arm
Playful nudges
Sitting next to each other
Touching feet under the table
Another non-sexual way to build emotional intimacy is spending quality time together. Things you can do:
Go out on dates with other couples.
Look through old photos and reminisce.
Play cards, board games, or word games.
Read aloud to each other.
Play music together.
Travel, explore new places.
Visit with friends or family.
Just Do It
Instead of waiting for the desire to strike, experts recommend that older adults just go for it. This is because sex has physical and emotional benefits. Orgasms release oxytocin, a hormone that induces a state of calm and improves sleep.
Even if you’re not in the mood, having sex can set the stage for more sex in the future. This is especially true for women. Having sex regularly helps increase natural lubrication and vaginal elasticity. It may also improve erections in men.
Summary
Older age can lead to sexual problems in different ways. Age alone increases the risk of erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, low libido, vaginal dryness, and pelvic organ prolapse. Medical conditions like arthritis, diabetes, heart disease, obesity, and incontinence can also directly or indirectly interfere with sex.
Lifestyle and emotional issues that can impair sexual function in all ages can become even more profound in adults 65 years and older. These include stress, depression, negative self-image, relationship problems, and alcohol abuse.
By working with a doctor or therapist, you can overcome many of these concerns and improve not only your quality of life but your sex life as well. Keeping open lines of communication and embracing change as a natural part of life can also help keep your sex life fresh as you approach your later years.
All you faithful readers know I’m a big fan of knocking on a girl’s back door. It feels great. It’s naughty. What’s not to like about it?
Nothing… for the guy.
For the girl, anal can often be traumatic. I’ve posted a bunch of times on how to prepare for anal sex. You can type “anal” in my search bar and get a ton of info. But let me highlight some things:Anal sex requires preparation to keep it from being messy.
I've never tried anal sex before. It never appealed to me. Actually, I never have given it much thought until I perused the anal sex category here at Literotica and found it so popular.
I am a bit embarrassed to admit it, but I have never even had sex doggie style either. Yes, I realize that doggie style sex is an overwhelming favorite for hordes of people but not for me. It is not that I did not try having sex doggie style, it just did not work for me; my cock did not reach far enough for me to feel like I was fucking her. I mean, really fucking her.
Sex toys — also called adult toys or “marital aids” — are objects people use to have more pleasure during sex or masturbation. Sometimes sex toys can also have medical uses if you have a sexual dysfunction or medical condition. There are many different types of sex toys, and people use them for lots of different reasons.
It’s totally normal to use sex toys, but it’s also totally normal not to — it’s a personal decision, and everyone’s different. As long as you’re using sex toys safely, there’s nothing harmful about it.
A fun, new sex position is an easy way to immerse yourself in a sexual experience. Take a much-needed break from stressing about work or the state of the world by attempting something adventurous in the bedroom, like the many sex positions you’ll find on this list. (Don’t worry, we also included fan favorites like missionary, cowgirl, spooning, and doggy style.
Which positions should you try next? Start by asking yourself what you’re hoping to achieve by changing up your usual routine. This will guide how you approach this list of sex positions, explains Ian Kerner, sex therapist, and author of; She Comes First; and, So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.
If you suddenly have an itch to try some new sex positions, we’re not surprised. When we recently surveyed 1,229 American men about their sex lives, a third of respondents said they’re feeling more sexually experimental now than before the pandemic began.
According to Justin Lehmiller, Kinsey Institute researcher and member of the Men’s Health Advisory Panel, stress could have something to do with the widespread craving for sexual novelty. “When we’re stressed, it’s often harder to feel desire or to stay in the moment, because our mind is distracted and wandering,” Lehmiller says. “Trying something new can create this immersive experience that lets us be in the moment and raises sexual arousal.”
I've been to a Swinger Club on roughly a dozen occasions, so perhaps not enough to count myself as an expert. But perhaps enough to have observed some common behaviors, and these are what I want to address here, particularly in relation to single guys who go to Swinger Clubs.
The Swinger Club Scenario
What usually happens is that my husband suggests that we go to our preferred club about a week ahead of time (or further out, if there is an enticing theme advertised for a particular night.)
This topic comes up more often than our society is comfortable with. To illustrate the matter, imagine the scenario of a couple of 50 year old English gentlemen down at the corner pub; when one of them says; “Nigel, I don’t know how to say this, but I have it on reliable certitude that your wife has been shagging a younger bloke from church.”
To which Nigel responds with a relaxed breath; “Well, at least someone is shagging her.”
